When I was eight years old at my favorite uncle’s funeral my dad told me not to cry. Trying to please my dad I didn’t cry at funerals after that for a very long time. I didn’t cry at my own brother’s funeral. It took me a long time to actually cry at a funeral. Dear reader it was so very hard and hurtful to not cry. I feel the Lord telling me, there’s strength in weeping. It takes great strength to know that you need to break down and great courage to actually do it. I’m holding back my tears as I write this but I want to let them flow. I’ve come to the realization that there’s a lot of work that needs to happen for me emotionally before I can be free of all the baggage I carry. I want to offload it here, but now is not the time. I’m still processing the revelations of what I need to work on. I carry a heavy load, a heavy burden if you will. I’m so used to living my old way of life that I’m having a hard time living in the freedom I so desperately want to have. There is freedom with Christ. God has shown me I’m a new creation, but I’m a work in progress. I have in no way arrived, but boy do I sure want to get this progress quickly. It’s a process that I need to go through.
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5b NLT
I’d like to change that last line
to joy comes with the mourning. We
have to mourn our losses if we are to be truly free. We have to mourn our
disappointments. What disappointments are you carrying around? Will you share
them with me? One of my major disappointments is that I have never been
married. I’ve never had a good relationship. I’ve never been in love and I so
desperately want to have a family, a husband and children and on this side of
things it’s hard not to question God and wonder if it will ever happen. I
believe I do have a family in my future but it’s the waiting that is so hard.
So I mourn the loss of my youth. I’m not as young as I used to be and I want a
family before I get much older than I am now. I have faith that it will happen
I just don’t know when it will happen. So back to weeping. There’s so much
healing in tears and do you know that God’s word says he collects every one?
You keep
track of all my sorrows. You have
collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm
56:8 NLT
God sees
us when we weep and our tears do not go to waste.
What do
you need to mourn the loss of?
Will you
share it with me?
I’m here.
I’m listening.
Genuinely
Yours,
Amy Z
Amy my dad did teach me to cry. But I never seen him cry often. He was the strong one and I wanted to be just like him. So I do not cry often. I am the one that is there for everyone else being strong trying to hold them together. I can’t say that I never cry, but I don’t let it flow like I should. Sometimes I feel that holding all that pain in as worse than the actual crying would be. I’ve always thought to myself being strong is hard. But I have realized that crying doesn’t make you weak it makes you stronger. But when you were already the way you are it’s hard to change. That is one thing that I would like to change, but I need prayers for, that I pray about, to just let my emotions flow sometimes. That it doesn’t make you a weaker person and maybe you need other people to be strong for you. One day that will come through God, my disappointments are opposite of years I married too many times. I was too young not ready and made very bad choices. I have beautiful children because of it but the badness of some of it made me the hard person I am today also. But this last few years I have learned to love myself, take care of myself and not depend on others, and that makes me a better person to make better decisions. I now know that if I get into another relationship that I will be there 100% because of what I went through. But if I don’t that’s OK too because I am comfortable with myself and my life. It’s all in Gods hands.Thank you for your prayers for me and I will always be praying for you. I love you lots.
ReplyDeleteTeresa thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with me. I know it's not easy. I encourage you to continue to seek the Lord for help with your emotions. I'm praying for your emotions to flow. Holding the pain in is definitely worse than feeling the emotion. I know your family would be ok if you let your tears flow. It definitely doesn't make you weak. I know Jesus can take all your emotions. I just encourage you when you feel the emotion rise and you are about to gulp it down that instead you let it pour forth. Yes it will hurt but the joy that comes far outweighs the hurt. There is joy in mourning and you will hurt for a moment but then the healing begins. I'm praying for the Lord to soften the hard places. I'm so glad that you have learned to love yourself. You're an amazing mother, grandmother and friend. You are surrounded by love. It's great that you realize it's all in God's hands too. He's got you by the hand and he'll never let you go. I love you a whole bunch. Thanks again for responding to my blog!
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